Good Old Dad Jokes One Liner

Good Old Dad Jokes One Liner

Dad: I have a very secure job. There’s nobody else who would want it.

Did you hear the joke about the elephant in the elevator? No? Me neither, I took the stairs.

Dad to his son: "I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and dumb."

You: “So, dad, I was thinking…” 

Dad: “Ohhhhh and I wondered what that high-pitched grinding sound was!”

Dad: I love my rock-hard, honed six-pack so much I protect it with a good layer of lard."

"We drove past a city cemetery and my dad remarked, “Do you know why I can’t be buried here, boy?” 

“Why?” 

“Because I’m still alive.”

Stop whining, you will never be the man your mother is."

"Dad you look tired."

"Oh, you mean the dark circles under my eyes? Those are the shadows of my great deeds."

More jokes at: http://www.short-funny.com/dad-jokes.php#ixzz4NKkrsyvd

Really Funny Jokes That Make You Laugh

Really Funny Jokes That Make You Laugh

1) 

Dad: Shame on you, Peter. 

Why did you hit your little sister? 

Peter: Well, Daddy, we were playing Adam and Eve with the apple and all. 

Well, instead of tempting me with that apple, she ate the thing herself! 

2) 

Q: What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? 

A: Feyoncé!! 

3) 

I told my dad to embrace his mistakes. 

He cried. 

Then he hugged my sister & me. 

4) 

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. 

5) 

Daughter: Mom, I’m pregnant! 

Mom: I thought I told you when a guy touches your boobs, say don’t, and when he touches you vagina, say stop. 

Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out,”don’t, stop, don’t, stop. 

6) 

Never ask for the ‘High Five’ from a short person, you can ask for a ‘Low Five’! 

7) 

Question: What does Dumbo do after taking a photocopy? 

Answer: He compares it with the original document for spelling mistakes! 

8) 

It was the end of the school year and Joey’s mother asked: 

“And were the exam questions difficult?” 

“They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. 

“It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.” 

9) 

Behind every great man is a woman with a hostage. 

10) 

Q: What did one butt cheek say to the other? 

A: Together, we can stop this sh*t. 

11) 

*boy whispers to his mom during a wedding

* boy: “Mommy?” 

mom: “What?” boy: “Why is the girl dressed in white?” 

mom: “Because this is the happiest day of her life.” 

boy: “… so why is the boy dressed in black?” 

12) 

How do you keep a man from drowning? 

Get his wife/gf off his back. 

13) 

Fastest mode of communication 

– Tell a girl a rumor and take a promise to keep it a secret. 

14) 

Man: Why are you beating your son-in-law so badly? 

He replies: I sent him a message that you have become father but he forwarded this message to his friends! 

15) 

Boy texts his Girl “Honey, I can’t live without you! When will you come to me? 

“Here is the KILLING 

Reply -“Who is dying! I lost my saved numbers, kindly tell me your name?” 

16) 

I thing..Fear Factor would have been much scarier if it had just been people in their twenties trying to figure out how to have careers! 

17) 

Photographer: My secret of success is? ‘Think negative’! 

18) 

I have already acted on your memo on saving power in my department by an immediate ban on employee empowerment! 

19) My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said that at the end of this ruler is a dumb. 

I got a detention after asking which end! 

20) It is better to be late than to arrive ugly!

Virus Jokes--Really FunnyJokes Of The Day

Virus 

No, Windows is not a virus. 

Here's what viruses do: They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that. 

Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that. 

Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too. 

Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too. 

Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too. Until now it seems 

Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: 

Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

 So Windows is not a virus. 

Al Gore Jokes--Really Funny Jokes Of The Day

Al Gore 

Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and a slab of formica? 

A: Absolutely nothing.  

Q: Why is Al Gore so commited to protecting the environment? 

A: On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, the next day Al Gore was born....draw your own conclusion. 

Q: Did You hear about the Nobel Peace Prize won by Al Gore? 

A: In a stunning reversal, the Supreme Court awarded it to George Bush. 

Q: Why was Al Gore the best vice president we have ever had? 

A: He replaced a guy who couldn't spell 'potato' and was followed by a guy who shot someone in the face. 

Q: How fat has Al Gore gotten since his presidential run? 

A: So fat that Bill Clinton is thinking of hitting on him! 

Q: How does Al Gore get to sleep? 

A: He counts ballot papers. 

Q: How can you spot Al Gore in a bunch of Secret Service agents? 

A: He's the stiff one. Q: What's the difference between Al Gore and Socialism? 

A: He uses the phrase Social Entitlements instead. 

Q. Why is Al Gore pissed at JFK Jr.? 

A. He didn't like him polluting the water.  

Q: How dull is Al Gore? 

A: His secret service code name is Al Gore! 

Q: Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring? 

A: He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney. 

A Golfer's Nightmare --Really Funny Jokes Of The Day

A Golfer's nightmare 

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrell were out playing golf. 

Everything was going fairly well for Steve until the 7th hole. 

He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. 

Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the centre of the floor. And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball. 

Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot.

 After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly. 

Another 5 years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. 

So, coincidently, Steve's tee shot took the exact same path as it did 5 years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the centre of the shed. 

As Steve thought seriously what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. 

But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly, "Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green." 

Microsoft Light Bulb--Funny Jokes For Him

Microsoft Light Bulb 

Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him. 

Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed. 

Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..." 

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong ... have you tried the light switch? 

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet. 

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: Eight. One to work the bulb and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world. 

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix. 

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We can change the bulb in seven to ten working days. If you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right-hand corner of the light bulb box. 

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder. 

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user. 

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard. 

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: 57; one to write WinGetLightBulbHandle(), one to write WinQueryLightBulbStatus(), one to write..... 

Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup. 

Doctor's Orders--Really Funny Jokes

Doctor's Orders

A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, 

"Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." 

The doctor replies, 

"Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."

Two months later, she comes in and says, 

"Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." 

But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, 

"Where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, 

"I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."